Things I never thought I would say

If you told me fifteen years ago I would be a happy family man with two daughters, two cats and a fairly quiet life in a quite little place called Markinch I’d have called you crazy yet here I am doing just that. Awhile ago I started a book as a bit of a joke of things I never thought I would say, here is my list so far to date which I started last year. The feature image has no relation to the list really I just liked it.

1. Don’t poke your ears with things whilst driving
2. Don’t fix your underwear like that in public
3. Stop licking her bum right now
4. Get you toes out of my bum
5. I’ll spread her checks and you look
6. Stop playing with my pee
7. Stop poking me
8. Driving is more important than poking my ear
9. Don’t play with toys whilst driving
10. Kirby’s don’t go under finger nails
11. The toilet is not the place for a sit down
12. Don’t wipe your bogies on my phone
13. Kasey put that blender down
14. If I suck it and keep it to the top of my mouth it’s fine
15. Stop taking pictures up your skirt
16. Stop trying to stab yourself with sharp things
17. No your mother isn’t allowed to touch you
18. Put pants back in your case
19. Stop wiping your nose on the bag
20. You have to do more than just lick
21. Just put them in your mouth and suck
22. I don’t care just put it in your mouth and swallow